There are days when I sit on one side of my couch, with my notebook on the other and I just glare at it.
…I actually wish death on an inatimate object. Wanting it to feel the same pain it gives me…and sometimes I wonder if I stare at it long enough… will it turn into a jar of Hellman’s mayo?
…a girl can dream.
Then there are days where I once again, falsely assume that throwing back a few (ten) Michelob Ultras (Low-carb mother fuckers) will bring me this magical power that defeats writers block but in actualality I just end up buzzed, dancing around my house half-naked…in front of a lot of windows
…and I’m pretty sure my neighbors already think I’m…odd.
Some days I have to ask myself, why am I even doing this? Why do I feel this constant need to find some sort of humor in my painfully mundane life…as I hide in my car on my lunch break, scribbling away in my blue composition notebook…and a co-worker stares at me as they walk past my car….like right now.
…that was awkward.
…he would find me doing the weirdest thing in my car possible…god damnit.
Only to have him approach me 30 minutes later…
“Oh, so you write. huh?”
“Absolutely not. That was not me hiding in my car after you asked me to have lunch with you…and I awkwardly declined.”
“I didn’t say anything about a car.”
“Oh…er…you know what sucks…herpes…and I would know…I have them.”
I don’t….seriously I don’t…but this dude will not take a hint…and honestly I’m willing to sacrifice my sexual reputation at this point…but I think if you’re reading this post…you already knew that.
And sometimes I wonder if the only reason I write is really just so I can constantly play with my boobs.
“It cures writer’s block.”
“Sure it does…whore.”
Sorry for this randomly sentimental post…but this is my 100th post (Heyo! Mother fuckers) and I’m just glad I haven’t quit yet…so you should go buy me some mayo…and congratulate me…and shit….
God I love you bitch. I get the same reaction from Mr. CB when I run from the bathtub in a naked dash for my notebook so as not to forget the amazing idea I had while washing my hair!!!
ReplyDeleteI write down a brief summary of my ideas on paper so I don't forget. I have like 200 ideas for some of my blogs.
ReplyDeletei should do this so i have something fuckin' awesome to talk about. guess that's why i have a memo pad on my blackberry :/
ReplyDelete***ladyvader99.blogspot.com***
I'm just curious, does someone else playing with a person's boobs cure writer's block, too? And do they have to be YOUR boobs, or would mine work? Maybe yours are like the Blarney Stone.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he only stared because you were playing with your boobs in a car in a parking lot.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on 100, I've loved everything you've written, here's hoping for another hundred.
I can't stand writing...with pens or pencils! I type on my damn laptop like none other! I'm embarrassed by my chicken scratch! Kudos to you mama! *flashes black nipples*
ReplyDeleteand what a grand 100th post it is! love it! congrats natalie! you are one of my favs!
ReplyDeletePlaying with boobs never helps me. Its the one thing that will distract me from writing. Theres nothing better than putting pen to paper - except sex. Also, I like Cains mayo, I've never been huge on Helmans.
ReplyDeleteHappy 100th. Your 34 behind... ;) But you get awards... Meh. Go have yourself another Michelob and dance will ya...
ReplyDeleteWow, 100? I'm glad I was here to read it!
ReplyDeleteOne time I was drinking and trying to stream a movie to my laptop. I got angry and hammer-punched it. It didn't survive.
Point is, don't break your laptop!
congrats on the 100 - mayo is good as well. Why should you feel awkward about writing or playing with your boobs? Men cannot take hints - truth works best.
ReplyDeleteI love that your centennial post was about herpes. I wouldn't have it any other way.
ReplyDeletehappy 100! and yes, it's true, men can't take hints to save their fucking lives. i've known my boyfriend for fifteen years, and he STILL doesn't get it. they're hopeless. cute, funny, but hopeless.
ReplyDeleteYay to 100 posts! I wish that boob grabbing would solve writers block. It doesn't for me at least. :(
ReplyDeletehttp://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
Hello there, head over to my blog ...
ReplyDeletewhy you ask? Well to see the award I have given you....
Yeah, you can't complain about writer's block, it just happens, and you get completely fucked. I tried everything, I use to write poetry to diminish writer's block, but then I had writer's block for poetry. For the past 3 days, I went to the library and back to read my favorite book. Since then, I've been writing like a mad man. I wrote 6 pages a day, which is a lot. Straight through, without commotion.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better.
Mayo...Boobage...& Herpes...perfect 100th post!!
ReplyDeleteCongrats gorgeous!!
congratulations, even if all this mention of mayo has me gagging a little. I can only take so much creamy white stuff.
ReplyDeleteLor
OKay hun, you need to clear my mind. are you natale, or are you paige? because if you are paige, then i need to kill myself for calling you natalie all the time.
ReplyDeleteum...i love you too.
Hahhah :D I like your bog! It’s truly funny! Btw I Im on the other side of the world but it makes this even more interesting! ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou're a fucking star, Nat. A fucking star, you goddess! Congrats on 100 posts.
ReplyDeleteNow!
"Then there are days where I once again, falsely assume that throwing back a few (ten) Michelob Ultras (Low-carb mother fuckers) will bring me this magical power that defeats writers block but in actualality I just end up buzzed, dancing around my house half-naked…in front of a lot of windows"
Did you misspell actuality there on purpose? Or had you already drank your ten Michelob Ultras (God I hate those damn beers).
Still. You are goddess.
Happy (belated) 100! Love the notebook writing plan. I have a little handbag sized one myself..
ReplyDelete